Dear Little Girls
by SullenBee
Summary: Speaking of sex, how many of you little girls have had sex?... Naruto's view on fanfics and such. Not suitable for people with "sensitive skin". Naruto, Sasuke and the gang belong to Kishimoto for now.


Dear Little Girls

By: SullenBee

Warning: Not for little girls or "sensitive" fanfic authors. Please click on the back button if you are either. This is 1K+ words of pure nothing. Proceed with caution. Thank you.

--

Dear Little Girls,

Wow! I cannot believe the number of Naruto fan fictions posted on the internet. Believe me when I say that I am currently laughing my ass off at some of the bizarre pairings I've seen and crazy stories I've read. The amount of talent I've seen on sites like , YGal and AdultFanFiction are simply staggering. Their stories have made me laugh, cry and marvel at the geniuses behind the plots. These people are simply awesome.

Just like there rest of you, I am a fan of the NaruSasuNaru pairings. These stories are perhaps the funniest and most entertaining that I have read. However, the stories that I have encountered so far have left me frustrated and annoyed.

First of all, I am not a dumb blond and I hate stories that make me out to be somebody mentally inferior. While I understand that my IQ can never be at par with the likes of Shikamaru, Kakashi-sensei or Sasuke; I know a lot of words that have more than three syllables. I will admit though that it takes me a while to process and grasp concepts, especially _jutsu_. However, this does not make me incompetent. And by the way, anybody would feel like a complete doofus when you stand next to either of those three, they are that smart!

Another thing that I hate is the "uber uke" portrayal of my character. For fuck's sake, I am a freakin' ninja! I respect your right to freedom of speech and all that crap that gives you the "right" to manipulate and depict my character in any way that you want. But all I ask in return is for you to give me some fucking pride, damnit! On any normal day, I don't really give a flying rat's ass when you people make me cling, snuggle and cuddle up to Sasuke. Fuck, you guys even make me Sasuke's maid, whipping boy, slave, etc. but who cares, that's fucking hot! I am man enough to take it up the ass, but I draw the line at crying during sex! Need I remind you people that I did not shed a single fucking tear when I beat the crap out of Sasuke during the battle at the Valley of the End. So why in the name of all stupid would I cry during sex or submit to Sasuke's irrational and degrading demands without question while we fuck? As if a handsome headstrong stud like me would be uke all the time! Che!

Speaking of sex, how many of you little girls have had sex? Anal sex? How many of you know how to give a blow job or even a hand job? How many of you have even **masturbated**? How many of you have seen a real life penis? If that's so, how the fuck do you expect to write a sex scene? Sasuke's dick looks just like any other dick in the universe, believe it! It isn't 8 inches long or even 7 and neither is mine of that matter. Sasuke and I are sexy as fuck, but we have normal dicks. Just so you know; male penile size is at an average of 5 inches from base to tip. Girth is at one and a half inches. Penises larger than that cannot stay erect for long periods of time and take me word on this, they don't look sexy.

Besides it's not in the size ladies, it's all in the performance. A guy with a dick the size of your index finger can make you cum hard if he knows how to use it.

For the little girls who have had sex, but haven't had anal sex, I suggest that you try it or at least read up on it. The truth of the matter is that ANAL SEX FUCKING HURTS! And that is the real reason why I am spending my lunch hour typing up this piece of shit excuse of a fanfic. Ass holes, butt holes and anuses do not lubricate themselves. Even with the use of a personal lubricant, it still stings like bitch! So when you type up stories that have me and Sasuke fucking like the Energizer Bunny, please have mercy on my poor ass hole! Not that I'm complaining. I love fucking Sasuke and being fucked, but really one round after another? Please bitch!

Here's an exercise to clue you in on anal sex. The next time you go to the bathroom, stick a finger up your ass and see how you like it. After that, imagine the sensation every time you have the bastard pound me like a jack hammer!

Anal sex takes a lot of time. Some people need several minutes of preparation while some need longer than that. Anal sex is not something that you can do on the fly or under the old Hag's desk. I will admit that quickies are fun and exciting especially when you're at risk of being caught. But for the love of ramen, make him prep me from time to time. I know that I'm sexy and irresistible but Sasuke is also a rational and intelligent man. He isn't some hormone driven ass that's going to jump me the minute he lays eyes on me. Uchihas are reserved, calm and controlled. Oh, and they also have more pride than whales have blubber.

Most little girls also seem to be confused about the prostate. This is probably because you girls don't have one. The closest equivalent would be your g-spot. But unlike the g-spot, the prostate is relatively easy to find. It is about two inches past the "ring of muscles" you are so fond of writing about. And since it is easy to find, there is no need for Sasuke to break the bed when we have sex, it is more cost effective too. The prostate is easy to stimulate. Need a clue? Take a look at anal dildos. They are usually smaller compared to the dildos women use.

So my advice on the sex is to take it slow when Sasuke and I have time. Quickies are OK sometimes but if you girls want your dose of "lemon" right away, then I give really good head and so does Sasuke. For the little girls who like research, here's something for you: 9 out of 10 men in a gay relationship do not have anal sex. Anal sex carries the risk of injury especially to the recipient.

I also have to remind the little girls that while Sasuke and I don't have uteruses and won't get pregnant, STDs abound even in the Naruto universe, so please make us wear condoms. Aside from disease, there is nothing more uncomfortable in the world than having cum dribbling down your asshole while you train or walk around! Fuck it!

FYI, my eyes are blue. Azure, cerulean, cobalt, sapphire and all its other synonyms only shows me that you people know how to use MS Word's thesaurus. Che. Blue is blue.

By now, you bitches will probably be foaming in the mouth. Yes, I do understand the concept of fiction. Writing is good exercise. It expands your imagination and vocabulary. But for fuck's sake do your research and give all the Naruto characters some dignity. Write to the best of your ability. When in doubt, draw inspiration from your own experience. And when unsure, Google it for fuck's sake!

And lastly, Sasuke says that if any of you make any more reference to his "feminine" looks, then be prepared for the wrath of _Amaterasu._ For the record, Sasuke is definitely all male! Yum!

So in closing, I shall look forward to your fanfics. I must say that they make good inspiration for when Sasuke and I role play.

_Ja ne!_

Uzumaki Naruto

~Fin~

This is me being cock blo…I mean having a huge writer's block. Please give me 5 minutes to change my email address and then you girls can bombard my mailbox with all the hate mail you want. Thank you.

No, I am not better than you, I am just bored.

And yes,I have had anal sex.


End file.
